COMFORT IN DENIAL

I would never know,
How she took the seat of my innermost emotions and desires,
Why I tried to shun those feelings away.
Yet, inspite of every facet of my perplexities
She keeps coming back.

I cannot fathom these emotions,
Makes me wonder if this is love.
Does it mean love cannot be understood?
If this is what love is,
Does it mean it has to be confessed?


I would never succeed,
To find some words to capture all the things that make you you.
I struggled and failed to write the words,
That made perfect sense.
When all I imagined was it would be simple and effortless.


I cannot uncover these judgments,
Makes me wonder if this is love.
Does it mean love cannot be explained?
If this is what love is,
Does it mean it has to be confessed?


But,I would rather be satisfied.
Regardless of whether you simply know or not,
Just how I feel about you.
For with the feelings I cannot expressed.
For with the words I cannot translate.

P.S.: Happy Valentine's Day

A SMALL THOUGHT

I hate the fact that I have this propensity of trusting others blindly. I sometimes wish being gullible was not a human trait. I hate the fact everyone of my closest people share this idiosyncrasy. I wish mom's faith in astrologers and astrology would someday vanish in wilderness, never to be found. I wish this faith didn't play a part in my sister's treatment. But it did. It gave us hope. I hate the fact the same people didn't show the same generiosity to me when I needed assurance. Instead they used words like 'black clouds' , '20 years' , 'marriage problems'.

But that seemed like ages ago. Although what is presumably referred as 'divination' turned out to be disappointed I, for one, haven't lost the curiousity it generated. I do not fear the outcome it predicts. I guess I have become wiser. In fact, I have been trying my hand and the whole process is entertaining and addictive to tell the truth although the only item I use is a deck of playing cards.

Its funny how the unquestionable desire to probe into our future has made us chose the supposedly occult ways and any source other than God (and I assume its because we don't understand him if he exists). How would you differentiate those who practise these crafts from the category of schemers , con-artists, fakers ?The heart of the matter does not concern these category of people but something else. Something that concerns the future and the preposterous and fallacious attempts to play God. No one can tell 'definitely' what's going to happen in future and neither it's in our interest to know. Of course we can do some guesswork about the future from our present. No matter what answers we seek for our lives we always have the opputunities to make different decisions. We create our own realities. But man won't stop trying to explain th unexplainable even if its done in a harm's way. At the end of the day its upto the person and trust. There are lines in 'the Alchemist' where I share the same school of thought, and which I frequently excerpt.

*Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.

* At a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what’s happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fates. That’s the world’s greatest lie.

*If you can concentrate on the present, you’ll be a happy man.The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity.

FREE FALL

The beginning of spring brings a soothing light,
blurred only by the fateful memories that shine so bright.

'Would tomorrow be as beautiful?' ,I wonder
For I wouldn't know no matter how hard I ponder.

To relinquish everything that is good,I have no compunction inside
Knowing the past won't be erased and I can't hide.

I could only hope to understand the life filled with tears
As the pain of deceit bred everyone of my fears.

Imprisoned by my own identity,unheard of the various sounds
Piercing through the wind that knows no bounds.

I had taken my last step choosing emancipation over hate
And there won't be another savior to come with a twist of fate.

The wind whispers as my fingers reach out to touch the sky
But alas! my being won't exist when my soul learns to fly.

WHAT DREAMS MAY COME

The realm of darkness doesn't give any signs that it has boundaries. I wander pathless in this rayless world. It seems the bright sun has been extinguished. I wonder if my destitute of vision is a reality. It was not another ordinary night. In this desolation, my heart was chilled by the selfish prayer of the light. Soon I became conscious of the fact that I wasn't breathing at all.

I hear a faint voice. I run in that direction ,cognizant of the fact that it would be my last hope. My belief was boosted when I saw a vague radiance. There is a woman in a wedding dress, ensconced in an armchair, whimpering, resting her face on her hands. She was the only thing glowing in this isolated pitch darkness. I try to come closer but I can't.

A hand grips her shoulder from behind but I can't see even the contours of the man. She looks up to him with her bright judgmental eyes ,embellished by the pearl-like tear drops. I could see that he was holding his horn-rimmed glasses but the light still couldn't encompass his face even as he draws closer to her. He murmurs ," I could sit here and shed tears with you but the world won't let me be a kid."

He turns around to walk away, folding up the hem of the shirt around his right arm. It became visible that he has a scar of 6 stitches near his elbow. They are the same as mine.

RESPITE IN RETROSPECT

Generally, it's that time of the year when we look back at what went wrong or right in our lives in one year's time. I would rather recapitulate how some uncalled for events, which unfolded on the concluding month of this year, broke what has become a monotonous lifestyle. More often than not people often contemplate how some are luckier than others but I have always secretly wished that all my ill-fated affairs to come at the year's finale so that I could begin the next year with an invigorated soul. Of course, invariably, there is another way of looking at it. If I try to make a list of 'what shouldn't have happen' it is not appalling at all. I could thank my lucky stars or lady luck charm or whatever that is responsible.

On Dec 10, I re-injured my tailbone which was already contorted by a previous mishap. Unfortunately, I have not been able to recuperate.

I sprained my ankle again on Christmas in a distorted way out of excitement. I should tell you there is a special feeling knowing everyone enjoyed the chicken I prepared all the while I was limping on one leg. I had to delay my college registration for the 8th semester which eventually led to my flight and train cancellation and re-planning my travel leaving me with a loss of 1000 bucks.

Of course there are also certain other things that have preoccupied my mind. I miss a certain female's voice and my favorite activity of finding an excuse for procrastination-TV shows (damn those power-cuts!). Hopefully any ill fate or jinx won’t make its untimely presence felt in the coming year. Happy new year to all!

BACK TO MY NATIVITY

"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time"

The place seems far from different and if it weren't for the timeless human tradition of inscribing down the numerals in the calendar with each passing day coupled with the fact that our consciousness is inundated with the knowledge of the incessant nature of time (although both rationalities tend to mean the same thing, and trying to append an adjective is sterile given our inept and presumptuous nature), I would have brazenly accepted it as just another imaginative flashback from my memory. Others haven't been able to change my mind to see the difference. It is as if my mind has been blanketed and what I see is filtered. Maybe it's a tried and tested approach towards protecting oneself or maybe I have so many blithe memories that I don't want to see a change. Is it just the place and time I sensed? I see myself the same way but is it because I have failed to discern the changes in my thoughts and actions and more importantly as a human being? How would I get rid of this camouflage? Is it because life unfolds in a capricious way comforted only by the fact that whatever that is happening in our lives is not a surprise to God? Maybe it's because life comes around in full circle. We lived through experiences and memories but we never change as an individual.