Wednesday, December 16, 2009


I have been doing this for seven years now. It's not like I love this job but I have no other alternative. I can label my father as a virtuoso and he has perfercted his craft over the years . I learned from my father and learned well. But I didn't learn to enjoy this work. This is not the life of a 22 year old although my thick glasses gives the impression of otherwise. I don't comprehend how someone, confined in a solitay room would enjoy working all day with instruments such as magnifiers, hairspring tools and hand removers. After going all through this, the customers don't even acknowledge your craftmanship. You will find almost everykind of watches here from the costliest to the one made by a local watchmaker.
I wonder if there ever was a creator for the very entity that a watch symbolises. Can he manipulate his creation? Did he ever get acknowledged for his creation? Can he repair it if there ever a need arises? Why is there only one model for his design? Its funny there is time ,on one hand, which the greatest of minds are trying to understand and a watch ,on the other, whose creator is clubbed with mediocrity. Maybe it was designed without a designer. Maybe its a craft without a craftsman.

P.S.: Inspired by "Who watches the watchmen?" (Watchmen 2009)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Wrong side of Right

I wonder if what my parents told me were true. Am I being punished for not following God's plan? How would I know what God's plan is? I don't even know if any God exists or not. What is the definition of God? -Creator, Omnipresent, Omnipotent, Guardian spirit. But that is the definition given by man. People can take different positions for different reasons and apply it in different ways.
These distant thoughts are the only thing that takes my mind away from this dreary night. Maybe the single fact that I have not been able to escape the labyrinth of solitude is proof enough that I am taking the wrong stand. My mind tells me its a non- sequitor, some may even call it a blooper. I did not exclude the possibilty of some theoretical God or some specific God existing neither did I exclude the possibilty of someone else knowing for sure if some God exists or not. Its an ethical duty not to assert claims for ideas which we cannot adequately support either through evidence or logic. So I chose 'agnostic' to describe myself.
Its easy to label 'agnosticism ' as a an alternative to atheism or even a middle path. But I have looked at it as a separate issue compatible with both factions of the society- theist and atheist, different from the mistaken notion of the narrow, single definition.
This was not supposed to be the way I turn out. I was supposed to be a disciple of God and his teachings. Atleast when I was a child the hope of God gave me an inner strength, a psychological stability. I miss that. I don't know if the pursuit of knowledge is any better or worse than God smiting me with lightening. Whatever the case, the responsible thing for me to do is to suspend judgement altogether.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009


I woke up to the sound of screams and moans of pain and distress. As I slowly regained my consciousness I turned myself slowly, still lying in the bed, to see a room filled with wounded and disabled people incapacitated by the war. I could smell the stench of the antiseptic and taste the sweat running down my cheek. It didn't long to realize that my legs had been amputated, it wasn't beyond my ken. The ground underneath me had shattered and it had taken my legs with them. I was told soldiers would not be judged in wars. The judgment came in the form of a landmine.

Now that I am through with the war, I can only ponder over my abilities to discern the right from the wrong. I have killed men. Did I kill them because they call God by a different name or because their noses were shorter than ours? I don't want to know the answer. Religion has brainwashed me and I have become thoughtless obeying the commands of our so called leaders. Why did I leave to God to take every one of my decisions? Regardless to whether he exits or not, regardless of whether I am capable of being righteous or not, I should have been able to see what is wrong. I don't find any comfort in ruminating over these rationale, its not aesthetic.

I hear a priest recite the verses of the bible nearby. “.....Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand......” What an irony? When everything is already finished I am not able to stand.

As I recover my strength, I ask the nurse for a notebook and a pen so that I could pen down some of my thoughts. She tells me today is June 18. I was born on this day 22 years ago. That day was supposed to give me the meaning of life. Its a shame that its meaningless now.

Saturday, June 20, 2009


He lowered his blood tainted sword to welcome the end of the war. But what awaited him was a disturbing silence. The sun was shining bright over a thousand corpses. It was not the light of glory but something painted in the color of pain and misery. He felt a thousand souls were trapped in a tornado somewhere, and it was leaving behind a path of destruction. With what logic would you castigate someone who killed a man as a murderer and at the same breath venerate another who killed hundreds as a warrior?He didn't seem to comprehend.

As he strolled over the pile of dead bodies, the light of the sun was fading. He looked up the sky to see the sun being engulfed in darkness. Its the day of the black sun. Its a metamorphosis ,an alchemy, something that will transport from the known to the unknown realm, in a way similar to what he was experiencing from inside. He could feel the power of the transition that almost burned his eyes. How he wished his eyes got similar powers. That he could only look into something heinous and burn them in dark flames but he would probably burn himself too. Its the darkest day over the land and the only thing he did was wait.

As darkness thoroughly consumed the land, he vaguely saw the figure of a boy. He walked towards him. The boy murmured," If wars are going to continue this way, I will become God himself."

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

25 things you should know about me

I was supposed to do this tag along time ago. I should clarify first that I am doing not out of compulsion nor out of lack of material. But, it would actually be interesting to see if I can put together an honest interpretation of myself and translate it without any refinement. Some of these details might already be known and I am not going to write whether I belong to a different planet or not :)

The rules -

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.

1. I love dozing in green pastures(esp. when the contour of the land is slightly elevated), fold my hands and locked it behind my head, indulge myself in a world created by illusions. In other words I am a dreamer. People say some are realist some are dreamers. I guess you can categorized me in the latter genre.

2. I am still aimless about what my goals are. I tend to think goals in life as being different from career choice or tasting success.

3. I always dream about traveling the world, know about different people and their cultures.

4. I like people who have a good taste in food.(literally and figuratively speaking)

5. Once, I jumped down from the first floor because the elders started suspecting me and my friends were upto something (they were right though). This happened only a week after the plasters in my leg were removed.

6. I am very bad in planning. I seldom do it.

7. I love the company of gals.(not in the other sense) :P

8.The Ace of Spades is my favorite card. If possible, I keep it for my last play.

9. I despise astrologers.

10. I love cooking for myself.

11. I am in pursuit of expanding my collection of documentaries on rock bands histories .

12. Learning the meaning of people's names is one of my idiosyncrasies. Don't be alarmed if I ask yours too. 'Anagha' which means sinless is one of the favorite I came across.

13. Topics on God, religion , life, death,time, rock and roll are ice breakers when it comes to starting a conversation with me.

14. I am also an 'aspirational hobbyist' which Shantanu coined it. I wanted to become a fighter after watching Tony Jaa, an actor after getting awestruck by every one of Tom Hanks' performances, a sportsperson during the world cup days, wanted to be in a band everytime I hear an Iron Maiden's number.

15. I regretted the fact that I don't have enough pictures of my childhood days.

16. I have always admired people who are good in writing but not necessarily so for those who are good in talking.

17.I really don't like smoking but I have tried it.

18. I am a comic follower till this day. I even have a list of my own top 10 favorite comics.

19. I don't like heavy make-up in gals.

20.I have bunked classes the most on mondays and fridays and very rarely on saturdays. Maybe its because I was born on a saturday(I know the logic sounds absurb).

21.Whenever I get bored in a particular class, I used to entertain myself by calculating the love-hate relationship percentage of every gal I knew, on the last page of my notebook.

22. I am habituated to give people petnames.(esp. to the ones close to me)

23.If I ever have a son, I would want him to grow up to be a sportsperson.

24.Black is my favorite color when it comes to the choice of color in clothes.

25.I am a devoted 'window shopaholic' and I have no qualms about it.

Thats all. On the hindsight I think I could have listed a few more. I tag this to

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


As I slowly released the clutch from my hand, the instincts took over. There is kinship in the dynamics of the rider and his machine. But the machine is just another means to an end. Although I was committed to follow the rules of the road , the impediments existing in the circumstances never favored my liking. Embracing the wrong side of the lane seemed like a pretty easy decision. I had the zeal to face the perils and eulogize myself as a rider in the storm.

The fervor was slowly curbed by the fear of the uncertainty of misfortune. There were myriads of riders from the other direction, riders like me but it doesn't make a difference to them if my life was worth more than that of an insect. I lamented every blinking second for being on the wrong side of the lane and reaching my destination seemed like a shot in the dark. I survived the predicament inconceivably. If the vehicle or my skills had failed me, it would have been fateful. Would every decision I take be venomous? How many times can a man survive on erroneously ill-planned decision? If I were a free man, I would rather be in chains for a free man doesn't follow any particular direction.

As I disembarked ,I was taken aback by a startling revelation. The road signs were pointing to the same direction as I was following and everyone else was in defiance.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Its the road where it all started.
We hold each other and promised
Never to be divided.

But as all these images unfold,
I gaze only to see our footprints have vanished.
I walk solemnly in this abandoned road.

As I struggle through the passage,
I can feel the place I love the most ,when I am with you
Turn into worthless tears.

I let my angel fly from here.
There would be another road for you to walk,
But I am fated to wander here like an echo from the past.

I would close my eyes and pray
To find you here, hold you close,
And take the walk for one last time.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


The smoke from his cigarette never fades out. Curiously enough his facial expression looks the same. Uncle Deepak has always been this way since the day I have known him. His well-built and suave looks always camouflages his seething health issues. A Major in his glory days ,now he can't even support his family anymore. Aunty and their three daughters live in a different home. They say they cant watch him fade away to emptiness. Surprisingly, he is quite soft spoken for a retired military personnel and has a tacit way of expressing things. He loves his wine and has a varied and blended collection.

He never refers to me by my pet name. I always thought he would make a great teacher if given the chance. Sometimes I wish I had the same insights about life as he has but never even for once desired to live the life the way he did. I would try to share a lot of ideas with him mostly about death , politics and war.
"It would be fair to say that death is a part of life."
"I haven't really understood why we go to war, I was doing my job." ,I could remember him saying each of these lines on two different occassions. I would ask what he thought about the army gradually losing respect esp. in the north east because of cases of human rights violation.
"It should not have happened." ,would be his curt reply.

"Uncle, were you proud of what you did in the army?"
"Of course!"
"Do you consider yourself as a hero?"
"Then what else can you be uncle?"
"I am a survivor. "
Till this day, I have never felt there is a more majestic word .

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Are you a man who fear noiselessness?
Does your mind enjoy playing games with your senses?
Have you ever imagined how the unknown will manipulate your existence?

I sense an undeniable presence of someone or something,
And it feeds on darkness and fear.
Can you help me drive out my nightmares?

Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have a constant fear that someones always near.
Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have a phobia that someones is always there

How many times have I strolled alone
In a lifeless road into a lightless world?
Just to get harassed by the sensation that someone is following me,
Only to find that I am a man walking alone.

I seek light only to be engulfed by darkness
Would somebody guide me where the boundary of darkness and light stand?
Would I be chastised if I cannot escape my shadows?

Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have a constant fear that someones always near
Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have a phobia that someones is always there

When I m walking a dark road I am a man who walkes alone.

P.S: This is just another one of my versions of the song "Fear of the dark" (one of my favorite heavy metal songs) by Iron Maiden . The words don't mean much to me and its just an attempt at art.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

OMG !! I have been tagged!

This is the first time I have been tagged. I am only doing because I expect Shantanu to share his envying salary with me ,as he owes me a favor, once he joins NVIDIA. (Nay! just kidding). I don't believe I will be good in ' tagging shagging' and its something I have been trying to avoid because I am not exactly known for my veracity. Its 12:40 IST now. Lets see how it goes.

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it
It's easy to answer this one. Anyone who has followed my blog will know I got a scar of six stitches near my elbow. Yes, its genuine.
How did it happen?
Well, I was in 7th standard then. One day, some kid from my school, out of nowhere, ran past me, looked me in the eyes as if teasing me to try and overtake him. Of course I wasn't going to decline the challenge. After running a few yards, I slipped across a heap of pebbles. Unfortunately, some gravel went underneath my skin and the compounder cut my skin so deep ,to search it, that its not healed even today. Later I learned that the kid was just running towards the toilet. He obviously could not control it. That *beep* *beep*.

2. What does your phone look like ?
It looks exactly like a sony ericsson mobile. What did you expect? A dildo? lol

3. What is on the walls of your bedroom?
Cobwebs, spiders and more cobwebs, more spiders. Don't be surprised if I turn into spiderman. Of course there are ten thousand English words written all over the cupboard and the door. 'Jammy fodu' people used to say when they entered my room for the first time but soon they realized the guy who stayed in this room last year did it and it was not my handiwork. I wonder what happened to that guy.

4. What is your current desktop picture?

I have been trying to do this bike stunt for so long! Of course it was the spiderman kiss stunt earlier. Some day I will earn the 'MTV kiss of the year' accolade.

5. Do you believe in gay marriage?
If seeing is believing my answer is I haven't seen any gay marriage. If you are asking if gays should allowed to marry then then I have no right poking my nose in other's business. I have seen reports of people marrying dogs in newspapers for God's sake. Its our forefather's fault that there is a drought of women in this country( My definition of a woman is not the same as female, it is rather a sub- category and I am not implying that scarcity of women is factor for a person's sexuality)

I think the Academy of Motion Pictures is in a better position to give a justifiable answer. They have given oscars to every god damned gay movie-' Brokeback mountain' ,' Milk'......

6. What do you want more than anything right now?
Challenge the IRCTC guys for a 'no holds barred' ' HELL IN A CELL' wrestling match. Tables, Chairs, Ladders, sledge hammers ,barbed wires - you name it, anything goes baby. I lost 1600 bucks in transaction because of their irresponsibility.

7. Are your parents still together?
No. But that's because my father is a nuclear scientist working in a secure CIA facility and my mother is an amazon warrior. I hope thats the answer you were looking. Unfortunately for you and fortunately for me its a simple yes and they are going to have their 25th anniversary this may. Its amazing how they gave a commitment to each other for 25+7 long years.( They knew each other for 7 years before they got married)

8. Last person who made you cry
She is a korean actress look-alike or do these actresses look like her? I am not too sure.

9. What is your favorite perfume/cologne ?
There is not one as I like experimenting but I only used them on my filthy socks. My body has kinda developed an allergic to perfumes/cologne lately. More excuses to save money.

10. What are you listening to?
Right now 'Another Brick in the Wall' by Pink Floyd

We dont need no education.

We dont need no thought control.
No dark sarcasm in the classroom.
Teachers, leave those kids alone.
Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone!
All in all youre just another brick in the wall.
All in all youre just another brick in the wall.

11. Do you get scared of the dark?
Should I be? I won't get a better opportunity for some mischief than blackouts. I think a women with bleached skin and raven hairs holding a lone candle in complete darkness looks sexy.

12. Do you like pain killers?
I hated it until they put a 4 inch needle in my vertebral column. They were invented for the good of mankind.

13. Are you too shy to ask someone out ?
This is where I start contradicting myself and I find myself oscillating between two extreme ends.

14. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
Hajmola. Apparently I had a feast for a beast.

15. Who was the last person who made you mad?
She is the same person who made me cry. Of course she made me happy a lot of the times too.

16. Who was the last person who made you smile?
I smile habitually even if its a fake one unless someone challenges me for a wrestling match like the IRCTC guys. Its better to be nice than to be genuine.(That may not necessarily be true)

17. Is someone in love with you ?
Of course a lot of people are- family, friends, my blogger friends. Well don't you?
Ohh..about romance ? I don't think someone is in love with me. If she loves me, she is not someone but rather someone special.

F*beep* its almost 3 now I despise it when the network server is not working for hours.
Now I tag this to

Monday, February 23, 2009


Finally the plane landed in Delhi. I lost sense of time because hours of solitary travel can consume a person with all forms of thoughts. But I realized I was not aware of all those reasonings anymore, almost like an anachronism. It was not detachment, I felt, neither salvation. I had no premonitions about what's going to happen next. But I sensed something was going to change my life forever. It was going to be big and I better be ready for it.

As I waited for my luggage standing besides the airport conveyor belt, I felt my past memories relived and refreshed. My father's words suddenly sounded like bells tolling.
"The purpose of life is not chasing down every academic high."
"Success can also be measured in terms of having a pleasant and rewarding home life. These people develop their identities based upon the accomplishments of their children, and derive their self worth through the love and support of a spouse."
I barely heard all those words back then. I would give my only argument -
"A man is not defined by his family. I would rather climb that ladder as much as I can because I heard the view gets better as we go higher."
" No matter how high you climb there will always be some one above you .",he would retaliate.

His words made more sense to me now after four years and after shouldering the weight of three failed relationships. I wished things were different. I wished I hadn't dismissed his ideology totally. I wished I discovered the balance of career and love for myself.

As I moved my luggage, I had not been more hopeful than that day. It was time to redeem myself. I could see them waving from a distant view. Unanticipatedly, there was a ruckus in the crowd. The security persons were all around and every entrance gate closed and I was trapped in my own world in front of my eyes. I lost consciousness and bliss when it was only some yards away. I heard a beeping noise. It was my pager with the message- conference starts in 45 mins.

I was back in New York. Back to my beleaguered apartment. It all happened in another world, maybe in my sub-conscience. But I have to live with the fact that I had no contact with them for the last four years and its very unlikely I would so. I didn't have the sagacity to understand everything but I knew destination conference room was not an option.

P.S: I wanted to write something on -when love and career heads for a collision course. I ended up writing a story. There is always another excitement of narrating as a first person.

Friday, February 13, 2009


I would never know,
How she took the seat of my innermost emotions and desires,
Why I tried to shun those feelings away.
Yet, inspite of every facet of my perplexities
She keeps coming back.

I cannot fathom these emotions,
Makes me wonder if this is love.
Does it mean love cannot be understood?
If this is what love is,
Does it mean it has to be confessed?

I would never succeed,
To find some words to capture all the things that make you you.
I struggled and failed to write the words,
That made perfect sense.
When all I imagined was it would be simple and effortless.

I cannot uncover these judgments,
Makes me wonder if this is love.
Does it mean love cannot be explained?
If this is what love is,
Does it mean it has to be confessed?

But,I would rather be satisfied.
Regardless of whether you simply know or not,
Just how I feel about you.
For with the feelings I cannot expressed.
For with the words I cannot translate.

P.S.: Happy Valentine's Day

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


I hate the fact that I have this propensity of trusting others blindly. I sometimes wish being gullible was not a human trait. I hate the fact everyone of my closest people share this idiosyncrasy. I wish mom's faith in astrologers and astrology would someday vanish in wilderness, never to be found. I wish this faith didn't play a part in my sister's treatment. But it did. It gave us hope. I hate the fact the same people didn't show the same generiosity to me when I needed assurance. Instead they used words like 'black clouds' , '20 years' , 'marriage problems'.

But that seemed like ages ago. Although what is presumably referred as 'divination' turned out to be disappointed I, for one, haven't lost the curiousity it generated. I do not fear the outcome it predicts. I guess I have become wiser. In fact, I have been trying my hand and the whole process is entertaining and addictive to tell the truth although the only item I use is a deck of playing cards.

Its funny how the unquestionable desire to probe into our future has made us chose the supposedly occult ways and any source other than God (and I assume its because we don't understand him if he exists). How would you differentiate those who practise these crafts from the category of schemers , con-artists, fakers ?The heart of the matter does not concern these category of people but something else. Something that concerns the future and the preposterous and fallacious attempts to play God. No one can tell 'definitely' what's going to happen in future and neither it's in our interest to know. Of course we can do some guesswork about the future from our present. No matter what answers we seek for our lives we always have the opputunities to make different decisions. We create our own realities. But man won't stop trying to explain th unexplainable even if its done in a harm's way. At the end of the day its upto the person and trust. There are lines in 'the Alchemist' where I share the same school of thought, and which I frequently excerpt.

*Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.

* At a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what’s happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fates. That’s the world’s greatest lie.

*If you can concentrate on the present, you’ll be a happy man.The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity.

Friday, January 23, 2009


The beginning of spring brings a soothing light,
blurred only by the fateful memories that shine so bright.

'Would tomorrow be as beautiful?' ,I wonder
For I wouldn't know no matter how hard I ponder.

To relinquish everything that is good,I have no compunction inside
Knowing the past won't be erased and I can't hide.

I could only hope to understand the life filled with tears
As the pain of deceit bred everyone of my fears.

Imprisoned by my own identity,unheard of the various sounds
Piercing through the wind that knows no bounds.

I had taken my last step choosing emancipation over hate
And there won't be another savior to come with a twist of fate.

The wind whispers as my fingers reach out to touch the sky
But alas! my being won't exist when my soul learns to fly.

Thursday, January 15, 2009


The realm of darkness doesn't give any signs that it has boundaries. I wander pathless in this rayless world. It seems the bright sun has been extinguished. I wonder if my destitute of vision is a reality. It was not another ordinary night. In this desolation, my heart was chilled by the selfish prayer of the light. Soon I became conscious of the fact that I wasn't breathing at all.

I hear a faint voice. I run in that direction ,cognizant of the fact that it would be my last hope. My belief was boosted when I saw a vague radiance. There is a woman in a wedding dress,
ensconced in an armchair, whimpering, resting her face on her hands. She was the only thing glowing in this isolated pitch darkness. I try to come closer but I can't.

A hand grips her shoulder from behind but I can't see even the contours of the man. She looks up to him with her bright judgmental eyes ,embellished by the pearl-like tear drops. I could see that he was holding his horn-rimmed glasses but the light still couldn't encompass his face even as he draws closer to her. He murmurs ," I could sit here and shed tears with you but the world won't let me be a kid."

He turns around to walk away, folding up the hem of the shirt around his right arm. It became visible that he has a scar of 6 stitches near his elbow. They are the same as mine.