I wonder if what my parents told me were true. Am I being punished for not following God's plan? How would I know what God's plan is? I don't even know if any God exists or not. What is the definition of God? -Creator, Omnipresent, Omnipotent, Guardian spirit. But that is the definition given by man. People can take different positions for different reasons and apply it in different ways.
These distant thoughts are the only thing that takes my mind away from this dreary night. Maybe the single fact that I have not been able to escape the labyrinth of solitude is proof enough that I am taking the wrong stand. My mind tells me its a non- sequitor, some may even call it a blooper. I did not exclude the possibilty of some theoretical God or some specific God existing neither did I exclude the possibilty of someone else knowing for sure if some God exists or not. Its an ethical duty not to assert claims for ideas which we cannot adequately support either through evidence or logic. So I chose 'agnostic' to describe myself.
Its easy to label 'agnosticism ' as a an alternative to atheism or even a middle path. But I have looked at it as a separate issue compatible with both factions of the society- theist and atheist, different from the mistaken notion of the narrow, single definition.
This was not supposed to be the way I turn out. I was supposed to be a disciple of God and his teachings. Atleast when I was a child the hope of God gave me an inner strength, a psychological stability. I miss that. I don't know if the pursuit of knowledge is any better or worse than God smiting me with lightening. Whatever the case, the responsible thing for me to do is to suspend judgement altogether.