FREE FALL

The beginning of spring brings a soothing light,
blurred only by the fateful memories that shine so bright.

'Would tomorrow be as beautiful?' ,I wonder
For I wouldn't know no matter how hard I ponder.

To relinquish everything that is good,I have no compunction inside
Knowing the past won't be erased and I can't hide.

I could only hope to understand the life filled with tears
As the pain of deceit bred everyone of my fears.

Imprisoned by my own identity,unheard of the various sounds
Piercing through the wind that knows no bounds.

I had taken my last step choosing emancipation over hate
And there won't be another savior to come with a twist of fate.

The wind whispers as my fingers reach out to touch the sky
But alas! my being won't exist when my soul learns to fly.

WHAT DREAMS MAY COME

The realm of darkness doesn't give any signs that it has boundaries. I wander pathless in this rayless world. It seems the bright sun has been extinguished. I wonder if my destitute of vision is a reality. It was not another ordinary night. In this desolation, my heart was chilled by the selfish prayer of the light. Soon I became conscious of the fact that I wasn't breathing at all.

I hear a faint voice. I run in that direction ,cognizant of the fact that it would be my last hope. My belief was boosted when I saw a vague radiance. There is a woman in a wedding dress, ensconced in an armchair, whimpering, resting her face on her hands. She was the only thing glowing in this isolated pitch darkness. I try to come closer but I can't.

A hand grips her shoulder from behind but I can't see even the contours of the man. She looks up to him with her bright judgmental eyes ,embellished by the pearl-like tear drops. I could see that he was holding his horn-rimmed glasses but the light still couldn't encompass his face even as he draws closer to her. He murmurs ," I could sit here and shed tears with you but the world won't let me be a kid."

He turns around to walk away, folding up the hem of the shirt around his right arm. It became visible that he has a scar of 6 stitches near his elbow. They are the same as mine.

RESPITE IN RETROSPECT

Generally, it's that time of the year when we look back at what went wrong or right in our lives in one year's time. I would rather recapitulate how some uncalled for events, which unfolded on the concluding month of this year, broke what has become a monotonous lifestyle. More often than not people often contemplate how some are luckier than others but I have always secretly wished that all my ill-fated affairs to come at the year's finale so that I could begin the next year with an invigorated soul. Of course, invariably, there is another way of looking at it. If I try to make a list of 'what shouldn't have happen' it is not appalling at all. I could thank my lucky stars or lady luck charm or whatever that is responsible.

On Dec 10, I re-injured my tailbone which was already contorted by a previous mishap. Unfortunately, I have not been able to recuperate.

I sprained my ankle again on Christmas in a distorted way out of excitement. I should tell you there is a special feeling knowing everyone enjoyed the chicken I prepared all the while I was limping on one leg. I had to delay my college registration for the 8th semester which eventually led to my flight and train cancellation and re-planning my travel leaving me with a loss of 1000 bucks.

Of course there are also certain other things that have preoccupied my mind. I miss a certain female's voice and my favorite activity of finding an excuse for procrastination-TV shows (damn those power-cuts!). Hopefully any ill fate or jinx won’t make its untimely presence felt in the coming year. Happy new year to all!

BACK TO MY NATIVITY

"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time"

The place seems far from different and if it weren't for the timeless human tradition of inscribing down the numerals in the calendar with each passing day coupled with the fact that our consciousness is inundated with the knowledge of the incessant nature of time (although both rationalities tend to mean the same thing, and trying to append an adjective is sterile given our inept and presumptuous nature), I would have brazenly accepted it as just another imaginative flashback from my memory. Others haven't been able to change my mind to see the difference. It is as if my mind has been blanketed and what I see is filtered. Maybe it's a tried and tested approach towards protecting oneself or maybe I have so many blithe memories that I don't want to see a change. Is it just the place and time I sensed? I see myself the same way but is it because I have failed to discern the changes in my thoughts and actions and more importantly as a human being? How would I get rid of this camouflage? Is it because life unfolds in a capricious way comforted only by the fact that whatever that is happening in our lives is not a surprise to God? Maybe it's because life comes around in full circle. We lived through experiences and memories but we never change as an individual.

Delineation of a dream

It was December evening and I could see clearly see through the thick fog and smoke that my life was setting foot on a new spring season. The tranquility of the evening ,as if the sky had extended over the land, gave me the impression that 'the mighty Being' is asleep. I tried to compare the ecstasy of experiencing this moment with the portrait of the lady whose arrival I was ardently anticipating. As I reposed, the light from the wax candle on the table seemed to grow inside the darkened room and I could still hear her voice ringing in my head," I have saved this afternoon just for you". It became obvious to me that I was inept to make the comparison. She was the most well-groomed woman I ever saw and I wanted to protect her even though she doesn't need it and that was all I knew. The judgement of right and wrong went beyond me. These solemn thoughts were broken when I saw the five cups of coffee I finished in the last four hours. The restaurant was half-deserted. The ruminations had looked after me and my solitude as we utterly took possession of the 'the table reserved for two'.

What's in a name?

"Are you a christian ?", this is the one question ,whose answer I have lost count on. In fact I have been on a crusade telling the world that my name does not decide my religion or my identity (Well, that maybe an exaggeration) and its not the case either that I have never tried to discover how I got my name and what it means. I haven't understood why people ask me this question, whether they asked it inadvertently or out of curiosity. I guess getting an  English name has its pros and cons.

When I  was christened a name, my parents decided on two- 'James' and 'Boboi'. Family and close childhood friends still call me by the latter and is quite a popular name in my place. It means more to me when I am called by this name because it underlines the truth of the bonding I share with the person. In fact some of them are not aware that 'James' is my legitimate name. 

Believe me when I say my parents still don't know what 'James' means. Mom tells me that Dad was a big fan of James Bond in those days and besides being a teacher of physics himself he noticed that this was a very common name amongst the physicists. His criteria was obviously fame and popularity. It was only when I came to the 10th standard that I knew its meaning when my history teacher told me that it is the English version of the Hebrew name Jacob. Later I got to know it means 'the supplanter', 'substitute', and I know its easy to misunderstand this word.

Friends have come up with their own versions viz- 'Jamie', 'Gems', 'Jamz' to name a few. A few have even messed the pronunciation by giving it two syllabi  'Ja' and 'mes'.(How can anyone make this mistake if they have studied english in primary school?). Nevertheless, I have no complaints.

Undoubtedly , its one of the more popular names. From Harry James Potter to James Hetfield to the kings of scotland that came in chronological order, it has found its face with every kind of personality. But each time i have this conversation, it has led me into an introspective state and there are more questions cropping up . Did I try to find conscientiously to what I seek? Have I found a face in the crowd? What does the person behind the name mean?  Would I be a different person if I had a different name?