NO HOLDS BARRED

Reckoning

2011-11-05T23:47:00.000-07:00

I used to like cold rains at this time of the night. I don't anymore. It stirs up the emotions that are now dead to me.

I glance into this empty glass trying hard to find the answers, yet remaining indifferent to my dripping wet shirt. Or so I thought. It's hard to escape this sharp cold when it keeps reminding me of the warmth I felt when I hold her hands. When you can't keep the promises you blindly made, it comes back like a plague you can't run away from.

Maybe I don't need to find the answer. Maybe I just need someone to listen to. Maybe this empty glass is that someone. I wonder how many stories it has drank up. I wonder how it's still standing after all it has seen all. You can't but marvel at its surviving skills. The one that survived to tell every story.

Time as a source of salvation

2011-02-07T08:37:00.000-08:00

I dream of its gift and I pity the science. I admire the conflict it triggers- the reality of the eternal or the illusion of the flux. The struggles of the human experience sometimes puzzles me whether 'the real' or 'the true' is present in a false or a lesser reality. Is there a 'real time' and a 'false time'? Maybe a real time is a time that encompasses 'significant' experiences- those having purpose and direction. Would then a false time be a time which returns onto itself ? But is the 'significant' already a part of the 'significant' waiting to be understood by us? Time present and time past are both perhaps present in time future, and time future contained in time past.

I wonder whether the phrase 'there is a time for everything' is a hearsay. Maybe it envelops the mere existence representing death in life and the spiritual rebirth with life in death. But there is time to prepare a face to meet the faces we meet. There will be a time to murder and create; time yet for a hundred indecisions; for a hundred visions and revisions. Having remained irresolute in the midst of the possibilities of salvation within our ordinary temporal experience, we will continue till we die.

The wait for the morning

2010-12-31T06:14:00.000-08:00

I sit here wondering what went wrong,
When I had promised I would make everything right.
Next time I would show her I love her more than life itself,
That she is the first person I think of in the morning,
And the last before I go to bed.

I sit here wondering what should I say,
When she asks," Do you love me?" again.
Next time I would tell her ,"I love everything about you down to your hair."
"I love every second we spend time,
And that I am paralysed without you."

I can't wait for the morning to come,
To say, "you make my life worth living,
And my time worth giving."
I will wait for her like I do every morning,
And this time it will be the same as when we first fell for each other.

I keep wondering why the morning came and left so soon.
I look to the horizon but she never came.
For now, I will hold my story back.
I will dress myself with a smile to hide until next time.

The White Lily

2010-02-15T04:44:00.000-08:00

I remember the time when you used to take me ,
To the mountains, to the place decorated
By beautiful colours and defined
By the modesty and majesty of the white lilies.

How splendid they looked!
Sometimes I wonder whose beauty I was admiring
Now I undestand why you are like the lilies.

At dawn they unite with the breezes,
To announce the coming of light,
To breathe life into this place,
And fill it with their fragrance.

A memory of a moment of happiness.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be the same without you
Now I understand why you are my lifeblood.

I tried to bring the lilies to my garden,
But they just refused to endure.
I have given them chances,
But they just let me down.

Its a lover's gift descended
From the blue tent upon the green carpet.
I just wish they could blossom in my curtilage
The same way I wish you could come with me.
I wish you would understand.

THE TIME MAKER

2009-12-16T20:35:00.000-08:00

I have been doing this for seven years now. It's not like I love this job but I have no other alternative. I can label my father as a virtuoso and he has perfercted his craft over the years . I learned from my father and learned well. But I didn't learn to enjoy this work. This is not the life of a 22 year old although my thick glasses gives the impression of otherwise. I don't comprehend how someone, confined in a solitay room would enjoy working all day with instruments such as magnifiers, hairspring tools and hand removers. After going all through this, the customers don't even acknowledge your craftmanship. You will find almost everykind of watches here from the costliest to the one made by a local watchmaker.

I wonder if there ever was a creator for the very entity that a watch symbolises. Can he manipulate his creation? Did he ever get acknowledged for his creation? Can he repair it if there ever a need arises? Why is there only one model for his design? Its funny there is time ,on one hand, which the greatest of minds are trying to understand and a watch ,on the other, whose creator is clubbed with mediocrity. Maybe it was designed without a designer. Maybe its a craft without a craftsman.

P.S.: Inspired by "Who watches the watchmen?" (Watchmen 2009)

The Wrong side of Right

2009-11-10T05:45:00.000-08:00

I wonder if what my parents told me were true. Am I being punished for not following God's plan? How would I know what God's plan is? I don't even know if any God exists or not. What is the definition of God? -Creator, Omnipresent, Omnipotent, Guardian spirit. But that is the definition given by man. People can take different positions for different reasons and apply it in different ways.

These distant thoughts are the only thing that takes my mind away from this dreary night. Maybe the single fact that I have not been able to escape the labyrinth of solitude is proof enough that I am taking the wrong stand. My mind tells me its a non- sequitor, some may even call it a blooper. I did not exclude the possibilty of some theoretical God or some specific God existing neither did I exclude the possibilty of someone else knowing for sure if some God exists or not. Its an ethical duty not to assert claims for ideas which we cannot adequately support either through evidence or logic. So I chose 'agnostic' to describe myself.

Its easy to label 'agnosticism ' as a an alternative to atheism or even a middle path. But I have looked at it as a separate issue compatible with both factions of the society- theist and atheist, different from the mistaken notion of the narrow, single definition.

This was not supposed to be the way I turn out. I was supposed to be a disciple of God and his teachings. Atleast when I was a child the hope of God gave me an inner strength, a psychological stability. I miss that. I don't know if the pursuit of knowledge is any better or worse than God smiting me with lightening. Whatever the case, the responsible thing for me to do is to suspend judgement altogether.

MY TESTAMENT

2009-06-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

I woke up to the sound of screams and moans of pain and distress. As I slowly regained my consciousness I turned myself slowly, still lying in the bed, to see a room filled with wounded and disabled people incapacitated by the war. I could smell the stench of the antiseptic and taste the sweat running down my cheek. It didn't long to realize that my legs had been amputated, it wasn't beyond my ken. The ground underneath me had shattered and it had taken my legs with them. I was told soldiers would not be judged in wars. The judgment came in the form of a landmine.

Now that I am through with the war, I can only ponder over my abilities to discern the right from the wrong. I have killed men. Did I kill them because they call God by a different name or because their noses were shorter than ours? I don't want to know the answer. Religion has brainwashed me and I have become thoughtless obeying the commands of our so called leaders. Why did I leave to God to take every one of my decisions? Regardless to whether he exits or not, regardless of whether I am capable of being righteous or not, I should have been able to see what is wrong. I don't find any comfort in ruminating over these rationale, its not aesthetic.

I hear a priest recite the verses of the bible nearby. “.....Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand......” What an irony? When everything is already finished I am not able to stand.

As I recover my strength, I ask the nurse for a notebook and a pen so that I could pen down some of my thoughts. She tells me today is June 18. I was born on this day 22 years ago. That day was supposed to give me the meaning of life. Its a shame that its meaningless now.

Eclipse

2009-06-20T12:41:00.000-07:00

He lowered his blood tainted sword to welcome the end of the war. But what awaited him was a disturbing silence. The sun was shining bright over a thousand corpses. It was not the light of glory but something painted in the color of pain and misery. He felt a thousand souls were trapped in a tornado somewhere, and it was leaving behind a path of destruction. With what logic would you castigate someone who killed a man as a murderer and at the same breath venerate another who killed hundreds as a warrior?He didn't seem to comprehend.

As he strolled over the pile of dead bodies, the light of the sun was fading. He looked up the sky to see the sun being engulfed in darkness. Its the day of the black sun. Its a metamorphosis ,an alchemy, something that will transport from the known to the unknown realm, in a way similar to what he was experiencing from inside. He could feel the power of the transition that almost burned his eyes. How he wished his eyes got similar powers. That he could only look into something heinous and burn them in dark flames but he would probably burn himself too. Its the darkest day over the land and the only thing he did was wait.

As darkness thoroughly consumed the land, he vaguely saw the figure of a boy. He walked towards him. The boy murmured," If wars are going to continue this way, I will become God himself."

25 things you should know about me

2009-06-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to do this tag along time ago. I should clarify first that I am doing not out of compulsion nor out of lack of material. But, it would actually be interesting to see if I can put together an honest interpretation of myself and translate it without any refinement. Some of these details might already be known and I am not going to write whether I belong to a different planet or not :)

The rules -
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.

1. I love dozing in green pastures(esp. when the contour of the land is slightly elevated), fold my hands and locked it behind my head, indulge myself in a world created by illusions. In other words I am a dreamer. People say some are realist some are dreamers. I guess you can categorized me in the latter genre.

2. I am still aimless about what my goals are. I tend to think goals in life as being different from career choice or tasting success.

3. I always dream about traveling the world, know about different people and their cultures.

4. I like people who have a good taste in food.(literally and figuratively speaking)

5. Once, I jumped down from the first floor because the elders started suspecting me and my friends were upto something (they were right though). This happened only a week after the plasters in my leg were removed.

6. I am very bad in planning. I seldom do it.

7. I love the company of gals.(not in the other sense) :P

8.The Ace of Spades is my favorite card. If possible, I keep it for my last play.

9. I despise astrologers.

10. I love cooking for myself.

11. I am in pursuit of expanding my collection of documentaries on rock bands histories .

12. Learning the meaning of people's names is one of my idiosyncrasies. Don't be alarmed if I ask yours too. 'Anagha' which means sinless is one of the favorite I came across.

13. Topics on God, religion , life, death,time, rock and roll are ice breakers when it comes to starting a conversation with me.

14. I am also an 'aspirational hobbyist' which Shantanu coined it. I wanted to become a fighter after watching Tony Jaa, an actor after getting awestruck by every one of Tom Hanks' performances, a sportsperson during the world cup days, wanted to be in a band everytime I hear an Iron Maiden's number.

15. I regretted the fact that I don't have enough pictures of my childhood days.

16. I have always admired people who are good in writing but not necessarily so for those who are good in talking.

17.I really don't like smoking but I have tried it.

18. I am a comic follower till this day. I even have a list of my own top 10 favorite comics.

19. I don't like heavy make-up in gals.

20.I have bunked classes the most on mondays and fridays and very rarely on saturdays. Maybe its because I was born on a saturday(I know the logic sounds absurb).

21.Whenever I get bored in a particular class, I used to entertain myself by calculating the love-hate relationship percentage of every gal I knew, on the last page of my notebook.

22. I am habituated to give people petnames.(esp. to the ones close to me)

23.If I ever have a son, I would want him to grow up to be a sportsperson.

24.Black is my favorite color when it comes to the choice of color in clothes.

25.I am a devoted 'window shopaholic' and I have no qualms about it.

Thats all. On the hindsight I think I could have listed a few more. I tag this to
Shantanu
Ankit
Rojit
Michael

THE SYSTEM HAS FAILED- A METAPHOR

2009-06-03T08:22:00.000-07:00

As I slowly released the clutch from my hand, the instincts took over. There is kinship in the dynamics of the rider and his machine. But the machine is just another means to an end. Although I was committed to follow the rules of the road , the impediments existing in the circumstances never favored my liking. Embracing the wrong side of the lane seemed like a pretty easy decision. I had the zeal to face the perils and eulogize myself as a rider in the storm.

The fervor was slowly curbed by the fear of the uncertainty of misfortune. There were myriads of riders from the other direction, riders like me but it doesn't make a difference to them if my life was worth more than that of an insect. I lamented every blinking second for being on the wrong side of the lane and reaching my destination seemed like a shot in the dark. I survived the predicament inconceivably. If the vehicle or my skills had failed me, it would have been fateful. Would every decision I take be venomous? How many times can a man survive on erroneously ill-planned decision? If I were a free man, I would rather be in chains for a free man doesn't follow any particular direction.

As I disembarked ,I was taken aback by a startling revelation. The road signs were pointing to the same direction as I was following and everyone else was in defiance.

WALK

2009-05-27T08:51:00.000-07:00

Its the road where it all started.
We hold each other and promised
Never to be divided.

But as all these images unfold,
I gaze only to see our footprints have vanished.
I walk solemnly in this abandoned road.

As I struggle through the passage,
I can feel the place I love the most ,when I am with you
Turn into worthless tears.

I let my angel fly from here.
There would be another road for you to walk,
But I am fated to wander here like an echo from the past.

I would close my eyes and pray
To find you here, hold you close,
And take the walk for one last time.

THE SURVIVOR WITHIN

2009-05-14T22:46:00.000-07:00

The smoke from his cigarette never fades out. Curiously enough his facial expression looks the same. Uncle Deepak has always been this way since the day I have known him. His well-built and suave looks always camouflages his seething health issues. A Major in his glory days ,now he can't even support his family anymore. Aunty and their three daughters live in a different home. They say they cant watch him fade away to emptiness. Surprisingly, he is quite soft spoken for a retired military personnel and has a tacit way of expressing things. He loves his wine and has a varied and blended collection.

He never refers to me by my pet name. I always thought he would make a great teacher if given the chance. Sometimes I wish I had the same insights about life as he has but never even for once desired to live the life the way he did. I would try to share a lot of ideas with him mostly about death , politics and war.
"It would be fair to say that death is a part of life."
"I haven't really understood why we go to war, I was doing my job." ,I could remember him saying each of these lines on two different occassions. I would ask what he thought about the army gradually losing respect esp. in the north east because of cases of human rights violation.
"It should not have happened." ,would be his curt reply.

"Uncle, were you proud of what you did in the army?"
"Of course!"
"Do you consider yourself as a hero?"
"No."
"Then what else can you be uncle?"
"I am a survivor. "
Till this day, I have never felt there is a more majestic word .

FEAR THE DARK FOREVER

2009-05-12T07:01:00.000-07:00

Are you a man who fear noiselessness?
Does your mind enjoy playing games with your senses?
Have you ever imagined how the unknown will manipulate your existence?

I sense an undeniable presence of someone or something,
And it feeds on darkness and fear.
Can you help me drive out my nightmares?

Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have a constant fear that someones always near.
Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have a phobia that someones is always there

How many times have I strolled alone
In a lifeless road into a lightless world?
Just to get harassed by the sensation that someone is following me,
Only to find that I am a man walking alone.

I seek light only to be engulfed by darkness
Would somebody guide me where the boundary of darkness and light stand?
Would I be chastised if I cannot escape my shadows?

Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have a constant fear that someones always near
Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have a phobia that someones is always there

When I m walking a dark road I am a man who walkes alone.

P.S: This is just another one of my versions of the song "Fear of the dark" (one of my favorite heavy metal songs) by Iron Maiden . The words don't mean much to me and its just an attempt at art.

OMG !! I have been tagged!

2009-02-25T22:17:00.000-08:00

This is the first time I have been tagged. I am only doing because I expect Shantanu to share his envying salary with me ,as he owes me a favor, once he joins NVIDIA. (Nay! just kidding). I don't believe I will be good in ' tagging shagging' and its something I have been trying to avoid because I am not exactly known for my veracity. Its 12:40 IST now. Lets see how it goes.

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it
It's easy to answer this one. Anyone who has followed my blog will know I got a scar of six stitches near my elbow. Yes, its genuine.
How did it happen?
Well, I was in 7th standard then. One day, some kid from my school, out of nowhere, ran past me, looked me in the eyes as if teasing me to try and overtake him. Of course I wasn't going to decline the challenge. After running a few yards, I slipped across a heap of pebbles. Unfortunately, some gravel went underneath my skin and the compounder cut my skin so deep ,to search it, that its not healed even today. Later I learned that the kid was just running towards the toilet. He obviously could not control it. That *beep* *beep*.

2. What does your phone look like ?
It looks exactly like a sony ericsson mobile. What did you expect? A dildo? lol

3. What is on the walls of your bedroom?
Cobwebs, spiders and more cobwebs, more spiders. Don't be surprised if I turn into spiderman. Of course there are ten thousand English words written all over the cupboard and the door. 'Jammy fodu' people used to say when they entered my room for the first time but soon they realized the guy who stayed in this room last year did it and it was not my handiwork. I wonder what happened to that guy.

4. What is your current desktop picture?

I have been trying to do this bike stunt for so long! Of course it was the spiderman kiss stunt earlier. Some day I will earn the 'MTV kiss of the year' accolade.

5. Do you believe in gay marriage?
If seeing is believing my answer is I haven't seen any gay marriage. If you are asking if gays should allowed to marry then then I have no right poking my nose in other's business. I have seen reports of people marrying dogs in newspapers for God's sake. Its our forefather's fault that there is a drought of women in this country( My definition of a woman is not the same as female, it is rather a sub- category and I am not implying that scarcity of women is factor for a person's sexuality)

I think the Academy of Motion Pictures is in a better position to give a justifiable answer. They have given oscars to every god damned gay movie-' Brokeback mountain' ,' Milk'......

6. What do you want more than anything right now?
Challenge the IRCTC guys for a 'no holds barred' ' HELL IN A CELL' wrestling match. Tables, Chairs, Ladders, sledge hammers ,barbed wires - you name it, anything goes baby. I lost 1600 bucks in transaction because of their irresponsibility.

7. Are your parents still together?
No. But that's because my father is a nuclear scientist working in a secure CIA facility and my mother is an amazon warrior. I hope thats the answer you were looking. Unfortunately for you and fortunately for me its a simple yes and they are going to have their 25th anniversary this may. Its amazing how they gave a commitment to each other for 25+7 long years.( They knew each other for 7 years before they got married)

8. Last person who made you cry
She is a korean actress look-alike or do these actresses look like her? I am not too sure.

9. What is your favorite perfume/cologne ?
There is not one as I like experimenting but I only used them on my filthy socks. My body has kinda developed an allergic to perfumes/cologne lately. More excuses to save money.

10. What are you listening to?
Right now 'Another Brick in the Wall' by Pink Floyd

We dont need no education.
We dont need no thought control.
No dark sarcasm in the classroom.
Teachers, leave those kids alone.
Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone!
All in all youre just another brick in the wall.
All in all youre just another brick in the wall.

11. Do you get scared of the dark?
Should I be? I won't get a better opportunity for some mischief than blackouts. I think a women with bleached skin and raven hairs holding a lone candle in complete darkness looks sexy.

12. Do you like pain killers?
I hated it until they put a 4 inch needle in my vertebral column. They were invented for the good of mankind.

13. Are you too shy to ask someone out ?
This is where I start contradicting myself and I find myself oscillating between two extreme ends.

14. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
Hajmola. Apparently I had a feast for a beast.

15. Who was the last person who made you mad?
She is the same person who made me cry. Of course she made me happy a lot of the times too.

16. Who was the last person who made you smile?
I smile habitually even if its a fake one unless someone challenges me for a wrestling match like the IRCTC guys. Its better to be nice than to be genuine.(That may not necessarily be true)

17. Is someone in love with you ?
Of course a lot of people are- family, friends, my blogger friends. Well don't you?
Ohh..about romance ? I don't think someone is in love with me. If she loves me, she is not someone but rather someone special.

F*beep* its almost 3 now I despise it when the network server is not working for hours.
Now I tag this to
Amrita
Ankit
Rojit
Subratta

THE POWER OF CHOICE

2009-02-23T07:11:00.000-08:00

Finally the plane landed in Delhi. I lost sense of time because hours of solitary travel can consume a person with all forms of thoughts. But I realized I was not aware of all those reasonings anymore, almost like an anachronism. It was not detachment, I felt, neither salvation. I had no premonitions about what's going to happen next. But I sensed something was going to change my life forever. It was going to be big and I better be ready for it.

As I waited for my luggage standing besides the airport conveyor belt, I felt my past memories relived and refreshed. My father's words suddenly sounded like bells tolling.
"The purpose of life is not chasing down every academic high."
"Success can also be measured in terms of having a pleasant and rewarding home life. These people develop their identities based upon the accomplishments of their children, and derive their self worth through the love and support of a spouse."
I barely heard all those words back then. I would give my only argument -
"A man is not defined by his family. I would rather climb that ladder as much as I can because I heard the view gets better as we go higher."
" No matter how high you climb there will always be some one above you .",he would retaliate.

His words made more sense to me now after four years and after shouldering the weight of three failed relationships. I wished things were different. I wished I hadn't dismissed his ideology totally. I wished I discovered the balance of career and love for myself.

As I moved my luggage, I had not been more hopeful than that day. It was time to redeem myself. I could see them waving from a distant view. Unanticipatedly, there was a ruckus in the crowd. The security persons were all around and every entrance gate closed and I was trapped in my own world in front of my eyes. I lost consciousness and bliss when it was only some yards away. I heard a beeping noise. It was my pager with the message- conference starts in 45 mins.

I was back in New York. Back to my beleaguered apartment. It all happened in another world, maybe in my sub-conscience. But I have to live with the fact that I had no contact with them for the last four years and its very unlikely I would so. I didn't have the sagacity to understand everything but I knew destination conference room was not an option.

P.S: I wanted to write something on -when love and career heads for a collision course. I ended up writing a story. There is always another excitement of narrating as a first person.

COMFORT IN DENIAL

2009-02-13T22:30:00.000-08:00

I would never know,
How she took the seat of my innermost emotions and desires,
Why I tried to shun those feelings away.
Yet, inspite of every facet of my perplexities
She keeps coming back.

I cannot fathom these emotions,
Makes me wonder if this is love.
Does it mean love cannot be understood?
If this is what love is,
Does it mean it has to be confessed?

I would never succeed,
To find some words to capture all the things that make you you.
I struggled and failed to write the words,
That made perfect sense.
When all I imagined was it would be simple and effortless.

I cannot uncover these judgments,
Makes me wonder if this is love.
Does it mean love cannot be explained?
If this is what love is,
Does it mean it has to be confessed?

But,I would rather be satisfied.
Regardless of whether you simply know or not,
Just how I feel about you.
For with the feelings I cannot expressed.
For with the words I cannot translate.

P.S.: Happy Valentine's Day

A SMALL THOUGHT

2009-02-03T22:38:00.000-08:00

I hate the fact that I have this propensity of trusting others blindly. I sometimes wish being gullible was not a human trait. I hate the fact everyone of my closest people share this idiosyncrasy. I wish mom's faith in astrologers and astrology would someday vanish in wilderness, never to be found. I wish this faith didn't play a part in my sister's treatment. But it did. It gave us hope. I hate the fact the same people didn't show the same generiosity to me when I needed assurance. Instead they used words like 'black clouds' , '20 years' , 'marriage problems'.

But that seemed like ages ago. Although what is presumably referred as 'divination' turned out to be disappointed I, for one, haven't lost the curiousity it generated. I do not fear the outcome it predicts. I guess I have become wiser. In fact, I have been trying my hand and the whole process is entertaining and addictive to tell the truth although the only item I use is a deck of playing cards.

Its funny how the unquestionable desire to probe into our future has made us chose the supposedly occult ways and any source other than God (and I assume its because we don't understand him if he exists). How would you differentiate those who practise these crafts from the category of schemers , con-artists, fakers ?The heart of the matter does not concern these category of people but something else. Something that concerns the future and the preposterous and fallacious attempts to play God. No one can tell 'definitely' what's going to happen in future and neither it's in our interest to know. Of course we can do some guesswork about the future from our present. No matter what answers we seek for our lives we always have the opputunities to make different decisions. We create our own realities. But man won't stop trying to explain th unexplainable even if its done in a harm's way. At the end of the day its upto the person and trust. There are lines in 'the Alchemist' where I share the same school of thought, and which I frequently excerpt.

*Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.

* At a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what’s happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fates. That’s the world’s greatest lie.

*If you can concentrate on the present, you’ll be a happy man.The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity.

FREE FALL

2009-01-23T20:44:00.000-08:00

The beginning of spring brings a soothing light,
blurred only by the fateful memories that shine so bright.

'Would tomorrow be as beautiful?' ,I wonder
For I wouldn't know no matter how hard I ponder.

To relinquish everything that is good,I have no compunction inside
Knowing the past won't be erased and I can't hide.

I could only hope to understand the life filled with tears
As the pain of deceit bred everyone of my fears.

Imprisoned by my own identity,unheard of the various sounds
Piercing through the wind that knows no bounds.

I had taken my last step choosing emancipation over hate
And there won't be another savior to come with a twist of fate.

The wind whispers as my fingers reach out to touch the sky
But alas! my being won't exist when my soul learns to fly.

WHAT DREAMS MAY COME

2009-01-15T20:18:00.000-08:00

The realm of darkness doesn't give any signs that it has boundaries. I wander pathless in this rayless world. It seems the bright sun has been extinguished. I wonder if my destitute of vision is a reality. It was not another ordinary night. In this desolation, my heart was chilled by the selfish prayer of the light. Soon I became conscious of the fact that I wasn't breathing at all.

I hear a faint voice. I run in that direction ,cognizant of the fact that it would be my last hope. My belief was boosted when I saw a vague radiance. There is a woman in a wedding dress, ensconced in an armchair, whimpering, resting her face on her hands. She was the only thing glowing in this isolated pitch darkness. I try to come closer but I can't.

A hand grips her shoulder from behind but I can't see even the contours of the man. She looks up to him with her bright judgmental eyes ,embellished by the pearl-like tear drops. I could see that he was holding his horn-rimmed glasses but the light still couldn't encompass his face even as he draws closer to her. He murmurs ," I could sit here and shed tears with you but the world won't let me be a kid."

He turns around to walk away, folding up the hem of the shirt around his right arm. It became visible that he has a scar of 6 stitches near his elbow. They are the same as mine.

RESPITE IN RETROSPECT

2008-12-28T02:57:00.000-08:00

Generally, it's that time of the year when we look back at what went wrong or right in our lives in one year's time. I would rather recapitulate how some uncalled for events, which unfolded on the concluding month of this year, broke what has become a monotonous lifestyle. More often than not people often contemplate how some are luckier than others but I have always secretly wished that all my ill-fated affairs to come at the year's finale so that I could begin the next year with an invigorated soul. Of course, invariably, there is another way of looking at it. If I try to make a list of 'what shouldn't have happen' it is not appalling at all. I could thank my lucky stars or lady luck charm or whatever that is responsible.

On Dec 10, I re-injured my tailbone which was already contorted by a previous mishap. Unfortunately, I have not been able to recuperate.

I sprained my ankle again on Christmas in a distorted way out of excitement. I should tell you there is a special feeling knowing everyone enjoyed the chicken I prepared all the while I was limping on one leg. I had to delay my college registration for the 8th semester which eventually led to my flight and train cancellation and re-planning my travel leaving me with a loss of 1000 bucks.

Of course there are also certain other things that have preoccupied my mind. I miss a certain female's voice and my favorite activity of finding an excuse for procrastination-TV shows (damn those power-cuts!). Hopefully any ill fate or jinx won’t make its untimely presence felt in the coming year. Happy new year to all!

BACK TO MY NATIVITY

2008-12-12T23:18:00.000-08:00

"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time"

The place seems far from different and if it weren't for the timeless human tradition of inscribing down the numerals in the calendar with each passing day coupled with the fact that our consciousness is inundated with the knowledge of the incessant nature of time (although both rationalities tend to mean the same thing, and trying to append an adjective is sterile given our inept and presumptuous nature), I would have brazenly accepted it as just another imaginative flashback from my memory. Others haven't been able to change my mind to see the difference. It is as if my mind has been blanketed and what I see is filtered. Maybe it's a tried and tested approach towards protecting oneself or maybe I have so many blithe memories that I don't want to see a change. Is it just the place and time I sensed? I see myself the same way but is it because I have failed to discern the changes in my thoughts and actions and more importantly as a human being? How would I get rid of this camouflage? Is it because life unfolds in a capricious way comforted only by the fact that whatever that is happening in our lives is not a surprise to God? Maybe it's because life comes around in full circle. We lived through experiences and memories but we never change as an individual.

Delineation of a dream

2008-09-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

It was December evening and I could see clearly see through the thick fog and smoke that my life was setting foot on a new spring season. The tranquility of the evening ,as if the sky had extended over the land, gave me the impression that 'the mighty Being' is asleep. I tried to compare the ecstasy of experiencing this moment with the portrait of the lady whose arrival I was ardently anticipating. As I reposed, the light from the wax candle on the table seemed to grow inside the darkened room and I could still hear her voice ringing in my head," I have saved this afternoon just for you". It became obvious to me that I was inept to make the comparison. She was the most well-groomed woman I ever saw and I wanted to protect her even though she doesn't need it and that was all I knew. The judgement of right and wrong went beyond me. These solemn thoughts were broken when I saw the five cups of coffee I finished in the last four hours. The restaurant was half-deserted. The ruminations had looked after me and my solitude as we utterly took possession of the 'the table reserved for two'.

What's in a name?

2008-08-23T05:35:00.000-07:00

"Are you a christian ?", this is the one question ,whose answer I have lost count on. In fact I have been on a crusade telling the world that my name does not decide my religion or my identity (Well, that maybe an exaggeration) and its not the case either that I have never tried to discover how I got my name and what it means. I haven't understood why people ask me this question, whether they asked it inadvertently or out of curiosity. I guess getting an English name has its pros and cons.

When I was christened a name, my parents decided on two- 'James' and 'Boboi'. Family and close childhood friends still call me by the latter and is quite a popular name in my place. It means more to me when I am called by this name because it underlines the truth of the bonding I share with the person. In fact some of them are not aware that 'James' is my legitimate name.

Believe me when I say my parents still don't know what 'James' means. Mom tells me that Dad was a big fan of James Bond in those days and besides being a teacher of physics himself he noticed that this was a very common name amongst the physicists. His criteria was obviously fame and popularity. It was only when I came to the 10th standard that I knew its meaning when my history teacher told me that it is the English version of the Hebrew name Jacob. Later I got to know it means 'the supplanter', 'substitute', and I know its easy to misunderstand this word.

Friends have come up with their own versions viz- 'Jamie', 'Gems', 'Jamz' to name a few. A few have even messed the pronunciation by giving it two syllabi 'Ja' and 'mes'.(How can anyone make this mistake if they have studied english in primary school?). Nevertheless, I have no complaints.

Undoubtedly , its one of the more popular names. From Harry James Potter to James Hetfield to the kings of scotland that came in chronological order, it has found its face with every kind of personality. But each time i have this conversation, it has led me into an introspective state and there are more questions cropping up . Did I try to find conscientiously to what I seek? Have I found a face in the crowd? What does the person behind the name mean? Would I be a different person if I had a different name?

Two and a half kilo of chicken

2008-08-13T06:35:00.000-07:00

'60 km/hr ' ,the speedometer on Jake's motorcycle was reading. He could feel the air gushing past his spectacles but he cared less. He lifted his eyes to the etiolated sky, so bleached out ,it seemed as pale and as unmoving as the water. The dullness of the weather was in stark contrast with the delirious mood he was in. He was about to join his schoolmates for a lunch at Raj's place. It took three years in the making for the friends to finally find a vacation where they would all come together and the moment had arrived.

When Jake and Raj met, they conversed as if they were carrying on some left over discussion from yesterday. There were no 'Hellos' or ' How have you been?'.

Jake: I see that you have already bought chicken. How much is it?

Raj: Two and half kilos. I think it's going to be just enough. Robert and Johnson haven't arrived yet. You are the first.Let's cook in the top floor. It's still not complete yet and its almost like on top of the roof.

Jake nodded and they both picked up the cooking pot at the same time.

Raj: I don't know how good your cooking skills are but two cooks inevitably means the food will be wasted.

Jake: You are the cook.

Raj: Are you still in touch with 'phylum'?

Phylum was the nick name they gave for Selina. Jake had a huge crush on her back during their school days and a few knew about it. Selina herself didn't know. Jake never told her. She was a medical aspirant back then and was pretty good in memorizing those outlandish zoological terms and that's how she got that name.

Jake: Absolutely not. Let me remind you that was six years back and I ,no longer want anything to do with her.

Raj: What about those true love mojo-jojo you used to preach? I still remember some of your lines. Let me quote," Every force in this universe is defined by four forces and all these follow the inverse square law. But the force that she creates with me cannot be formulated because it's directly proportional to distance. It grows as the separation increases." There was also "All I need is her appreciation for my love and that would be enough for me to conquer anything."

Jake: People change Raj. Instead of love,fame,money and power just give me the truth.(trying to recall some dialogues from a movie). About the forces thing, I am still confuse whether they follow the inverse square law or not. Maybe I was bluffing.

Both of them were chuckling.

Jake: I am dating a new girl now. I have forgotten everything about phylum until you brought her name up.

Raj: Is that so?

Jake: Yes. Did someone tell you otherwise?

Raj: Well, I have to find out and if I found out you were bluffing than you have to wash all the dishes by yourself. That in case if I get to know about it before our meal finishes.

Jake: (laughing)You haven't changed a bit. What about your goddess of wealth?

Laxmi was nicknamed goddess. Raj had declared his love for her but she showed no interest back then but they were still friends.

Raj: Dude we are going to be relatives now. My uncle is going to marry her aunt. So there is no chance of working out for us.

Jake: (grinning)That's a lame excuse. If you want you could elope with her before your uncle's marriage and yours will be a happy ending story.

Robert stormed in much to the surprise of both.

Robert: Jake, weren't you serious when you started dating the new girl? Phylum's cousin just told me you guys were talking over the phone for a month now.

Raj: (shouting at the top of his voice) Mom,you don't need to wash yesterday's dish. We already got someone for the job.

P.S: The characters and the story are all fictitious. Any resemblance to real life is purely coincidental.

In celebration of being alive

2008-07-31T07:05:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't mind dying in a plane crash. It'd be a good way to go. I don't want to die in my sleep, or of old age, or OD...I want to feel what it's like. I want to taste it, hear it, smell it. Death is only going to happen to you once; I don't want to miss it.
- Jim Morrison

It was one of those windy, rainy mornings in Imphal. I took out my two wheeler planning to get a hair cut. The rain was not going to stop me. As soon as I started driving,I could hear a faint voice of my mom. I didn't try hard to make out what she said but it seemed she was trying to warn me about the omen of cutting my hair during the exams. The maths paper ,for the 12th board exams, was just conducted yesterday. I had this habit of doing exactly the opposite of anything what people thought would bring ill- luck based on their blind belief and more specifically if the words came out from my mother.I don't how I got this habit, maybe I was trying to show my rebellious attitude. So, I went without any hesitation.

All drenched up, I went to a local barber shop. Just as he was about to finish cutting my hair, he accidently made a deep cut in my ear and I was bleeding pretty bad. I was pretty much pissed off and my blood was boiling so I broke his glass mirrors and came back without giving his charge.

Just when I was starting to clean up my wounds, a train of thoughts ran through my mind.It suddenly struck my mind that he didn't clean the scissors properly and the place was one of the unhygienic shops in the locality. "Fuck! What did I end up doing this time? " I screamed. Manipur had the highest percentage of HIV positive people in India that time(the major contributor being transfer from blood to blood) and I even saw people suffering from AIDS till their death. The virus strain found there is strongest with HIV positive people advancing to the last stage on AIDS within three years. Nobody deserves this kind of death. It didn't take any more time for me to assume that there is a possibility of getting affected by the virus because of this incident. I immediately told my dad I wanted to go for a HIV test.He straight away denied my request saying that I was being foolish.

But it was too late to control my mind,the only way I would find solace is a result HIV test being negative.I was a man possessed, obsessed with finding out how much science has progressed in curing this curse. The images of people dying with AIDS would burn my mind everyday and I had several attacks of insomnia. A thousand emotions and speculations would run on my mind everyday.I wanted to find comfort in alcohol but I couldn't.I never had the urge to kill a man so much before. At the same time,I never felt so helpless before. I didn't care about academic achievements or whether I passed the 12th board exams or attitudes or girls anymore.I would say my belief in God was unparalleled during this period and even thought that if I did some good my ending wouldn't be that bad.It was time for me to shed some tears since my nursery days. Death ,I thought, would be my best friend.I didn't fear death anymore but the act of dying consumed me.In loneliness, I would often imagine about the Death God, if there is one. I would torture myself with this thought for nearly one month.

A week after the exams ended I went for the test on my own and not surprisingly it came out to be negative. The doctor told me that exposure to air dries the fluid that contains the virus, and that will destroy or break up much of the virus very quickly. I was a relieved man and it seemed that I had been a new life.I had a new found respect for my life as well as for the others.I went to see the barber again ,not to harm him, but surprisingly to apologize.

When the board results came out, as expected I got 87 aggregate in the first three papers before this incident but the marks of the rest of my papers were hovering around 60's . Even though my fears seemed very childish I am not trying to find out an excuse rather its a confession. More than four years after people still bitch about how even though consistently being in the top three in my class ,I couldn't make it even the top 20 of the school in the board exams. That's alright with me ,I just give them a big smile ,without a hint of sarcasm, and say it every-time , "I got more than I asked for."

Can we live without expectations?

2008-07-22T00:31:00.000-07:00

Let me begin by narrating the story of my first cousin.I have always called him by the name of 'Da nao' with respect,so will refer him in this name only .

Long time back Da nao used to love a girl.I was of the opinion that the girl also loved him that much because they were so close to each other.Da nao is not from a well-off family. His dad worked in garage and his mom is a plain housewife. Infact, many people from his locality were surprised to see him doing good in his studies and even completing his masters degree in Physics. His girlfriend's economic condition was not very different either,being raised up by her widowed mother.

He loved his sweetheart so much that he used to earn wages side by side with his education by giving private tuitions and engaging in social work, just for the sole purpose that she could pursue her education. After finishing school, she decided that she would choose nursing as her career path and so left her hometown with the same aspiration. Da nao managed all her education requirements and they even use to mail each other often. Everything looked so set for them.

After three long years when she finished her graduation she came back home and we went to meet her. During that time I was enjoying my summer vacation back home after my 2nd semester got over. They looked in love just as it was three years ago. The next day ,as if the armageddon had arrived ,news came that she eloped with someone else. For Da nao his world was falling apart in front of his own eyes. They were together for seven long years.A few silent moments went by and then he looked at me and said "Boi!!" " Would you get your two wheeler ?" " I need to attend to some previous commitment."

We went straight to Sekmai, i knew what was coming next. This is the place where the local wines are made,as pure as you can get. That night, he was so drunk ,i thought he will die of over dose and this was from a man who never tasted wine before. For the record, I didn't drink that day. A few days later, we went to the girl's home and in rage, Da nao demanded the money he had spent on her education.It wasn't much some 70,000 bucks. Tears were rolling down from her mother's eye.I didn't know what to do except watch like a statue.

One year had passed.It was time for summer vacations for me again.I came to know that the bridegroom party had offered her a post in RIMS and she took it.Da nao never mentioned anything about her. But one fine afternoon ,we heard the news that her first child died in delivery. Da nao threw a chicken party the very same night but I didn't go . We had a difference of opinion and since we have not met eye to eye with each other but that episode was the beginning of his never ending unfortunate incidents.

My purpose is not to discuss whatever morals the story might have told.I want to bring into light how weak our mind gets when bonded by the shackles of aspirations. Aspiration maybe of materialistic ,emotional or metaphysical in nature.I am not saying that one should not aspire or should give up the fruits earned by a man's worth. Its not possible to lead a practical way of life in today's world without any desire or dreams. But when we falter its possible we are not in control of our lives anymore.If you have an eye on the fruits of your actions, you are liable to be affected by worry, anxiety and restlessness.I don't know what the greater truth is , if there is one but I do know we are ignorant enough to be influenced by the darker reflections of ourselves.In my opinion , the mind is the birthplace of every one of our worries, anxieties or restlessness. People have faced this and survived but is life all about surviving or does the true knowledge about life hidden somewhere else?

IRREVOCABLE

2008-07-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

The frequent power cuts got me in the poetic mood.

I thought of writing a poem but ended up being a tragedy, which is not a surprise to me. Although ,titled "irrevocable",it has dark shades in it, it was more of a result of loneliness felt during the few moments and nothing more than that.It might dismay a lot of people who never got to see me in a serious mood.

IRREVOCABLE

She entered like an angel,just the way in every love story,

with a smile that can bring the death alive,

with a voice that made my ears experience thirst.

She summons a mystical energy that surrounds her,

like a mythological creature,

like a bible,I had to believe in.

I dont know whether I am the master of myself anymore,

but I would do anything to have her for myself,

just for myself.

Only if it could have been possible.

Only if my past did not betray my words.

Only if she could have understood my faith.

Now I dont know what to do,

because all I am left behind is a soul container,

because I am left shattered, stretched across my shame and jealousy.

Wish I could say its dying down inside of me.

Now I realise she is my unattainable.

I realise she is a dream that cannot be fulfilled.

I realise she is song that I can never sing.

"True love tends to forget"

2008-07-13T10:09:00.000-07:00

"True love tends to forget".These are the words of the great Bob Dylan.Frankly speaking I have seen many interpretations of these words especially in movies. Love not fulfilled is to be forgotten or atleast lovers should try to forget whatever memories they had shared.Even amongst my friends ,its common to find using the words like,"I tried to forget you, but everytime I do so I end up loving you more" (or somewhat on the similar lines) to convey their love.Its funny how each time when love is portrayed as synonymous with pure, steady, effulgent, attributeless, formless, ancient, eternal, immortal and nectarous, it has been accused being just the opposite and how often it has been labeled as an imprint on our memory.

I am not trying to be a critic of Bob Dylan because I know there won't be another Bob Dylan coming.I just seem to develop a different opinion.My thoughts and feelings are more pulled towards the words like,"I am trying to do whatever I can ,not to forget you in every passing moment, trying to remember everyone of your simplest things".Am I being illogical or just plain confused?Whatever the case maybe I am just being myself.

My experiences of travelling in the train solo

2008-07-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time I have written something on my blog.I just came to Howrah after a 52 hours long journey from bangalore and felt like i should write something.I got another train to catch ,a few hours from now.So, I will just post whatever memoirs i can recollect.
Most of the time, I travel alone in a train.I don't wait for any companion because thats suits me best.I have come across many people ,strangers in the beginning but ended up having a quite a good rapport with them.The list includes a korean guy, a muslim girl going for her sister's wedding,a XLRI prof, a BSF jawan, a well known author, two girls who came for summer school and it continues.
I had different experiences with all of them.The muslim girl just wouldn't stop talking.She would pick any random topic and will keep blabbering about it.Of course I was the one who started the conversation when i saw mehendi on her hands.She looked good by the way.The korean guy wasn't much of a talker and his accent was weird.I had a tough time understanding what he said.
I was more interested to know about korean girls from him or more specifically 'Son Ye Jin',the actress in the Korean movie 'The Classic'.
The XLRI prof and the author ,I was talking about, are a couple and our conversation was more or less on serious topics.They were very much interested in knowing about Manipur's heritage and history.I got to know a lot of things from him like keralites marry their first cousins,its a tradition for girls in tamil to marry their uncles etc,which i found very uncanny.
On the other hand ,I had to very good time with the summer school girls. We were only engaged in gossiping.Hell, they even talked about their boyfriends.
Once, I was travelling from varanasi to guwahati on a train on a waiting ticket no.4 .But such was my bad luck that the entire "man-in -uniform" had to be on the train.I had couldn't find any place to sit for an entire day and so did the BSF jawan from dehradun.He turned out to be quite a nice guy.
Oh!But I forgot to mention my first ever experience.I was supposed to be travelling alone from varanasi to delhi, when I was in first year ,but as it turned out my IT-BHU seniors were the majority amongst the passnegers travelling that day.So I was ragged along with some first yearites, in a sweet way though, so I had no complaints.I was told to propose to a girl and me along with some other guys were told to shout "This train is not going to delhi but is going to chennai instead".We did that.
I am actually looking forward to meeting more new people on the train.Hopefully ,this wouldn't be the last you would see me writing with the same title.

the meiteis

2007-11-10T10:33:00.000-08:00

I just read an article hoping to learn more about the history of the Meiteis'the dominant community in Manipur' (being one myself)entitled Manipur: a case study of migration by By Dr Moirangthem Thawanthaba. Its very intriguing and the writer has written a lot of matter in a highly condensed form and i appreciate his work. Unfortunately for me, i didn't find what i was looking for like what happened before Cheitharol Kumbaba,the royal chronicle of Manipur was written which traces back to 33 A.D. , what happened before Pakhangba who was generally believed to be the first king of Manipur ,how different are the Meiteis from the 33 tribes of Manipur in originality.But its still an article worth reading for those Manipuris who are as much in the dark as i am about our history.If i find some answers about these questions i will update in my space here .In the meantime check out this article

http://www.manipuronline.com/Manipur/February2006/migrationstudy26_1.htm

the physics of electric guitars

2007-11-10T10:21:00.000-08:00

I have always had this great passion for listening to electric guitars and have gone to the extent of even worshipping guitar Gods like Steve vai, Slash, Santana,

Joe Satriani even though i have never played an electric guitar.I still remember the first time i heard 'For the love of God' guitar solo by Steve vai.I must have heard that song more than 50 times that day.Being a student of science and technology understanding the physics of guitars apparently seems more easy to me than learning the electric guitar itself.So i did some queries here and there and this is what i assembled.

The idea of how the electric guitar works is very similar to phonographs and many other audio devices that have been around since the early 1900s if not the late 1800s. The idea is that a magnetic field is disturbed by something, be it the vibration of a string or the rough shape of the vinyl album, which is then translated by some device into sound.
The laws of physics governing electric currents and magnetic fields are not easily summed up, but knowing just a few is enough to understand how it all works.
When a string is plucked, the string oscillates. The oscillations then affect the flux of the magnetic field produced by the pick-up. Flux can be summed up as the amount of flow through a surface or region. So, therefore, the amount of flux, or flow of magnetic attractions are disturbed. Faraday's law states that when there is a change in the flux of a magnetic field, an electric field is produced. The oscillation of the string continually changes the flux of the magnetic field, therefore creating different patterns of electric fields which produce the current that flows through the wire to the amplifier, which then produces a sound wave with the frequency proportional to the current.
The actual current in a wire doesn't just flow in one direction, it actually flows in both, backwards and forwards. Current that comes from most normal wall outlets is alternating current. The name implies exactly that, the current alternates in direction. The oscillation in the string directly effects the rate at which the current alternates